I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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