I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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