There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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