I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
