when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
