You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize