Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
No subtext here. People are naked.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
