I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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