She's JV to your varsity
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
