Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
