I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
