I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm passing your future prison.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
