John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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