Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize