just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
