mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
