I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
