the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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