I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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