Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
