my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
