since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
