The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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