I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
