Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
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