They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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