Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
