You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
