i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
