First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
It all started with a game of naked twister.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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