508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
