My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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