man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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