yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
