I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
