Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
