Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
