I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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