Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize