I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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