Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
This couple is walking their pig around campus
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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