at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
