dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
