wakey wakey hands off snakey
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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