Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize