Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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