He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
