He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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