My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize