you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
