So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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