I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize