it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Who died my cat blue again?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
