hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
