i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
