So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
The power of my boobs compel you
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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