it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
