Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
