I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
