Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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