I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
